On not writing
A journal entry
Hi, I’m Louise, writer of Life Unexpected: a Substack dedicated to living the unexpected tangents in life. I started writing after my own unexpected life experiences of burnout, a failed business, and infertility. I found that sharing more about these events lifted the shame I felt and that, even though our personal experiences might differ, we are all living a life that we didn’t necessarily expect. It’s what makes us human.
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I’m staring at a blank page, bidding myself to write something. Anything. On a weekly basis I think about writing for my Substack. And then I just don’t.
It’s been nearly three months since I posted anything. It’s been nearly three months since I have created anything in writing other than a shopping list and a menu plan for a one year-old.
I want to write but I don’t want to write.
Why do I want to write?
I love connecting with people on a deep level. I hate superficial small talk so I enjoy connecting on a long-form platform.
I like collating my thoughts, taking the jumble inside my brain and forming something on the page.
I like the process editing and shaping drafts into a final piece (I work in publishing in my day job so this stands to reason!)
I love reading the stories and lives of others - life writing is one of my favourite genres.
It helps to get the nitty gritty ‘stuff’ of our lives out onto the page for others to see. It validates and removes any shame.
Sharing the intricacies of our human experience helps me to live with more ease, knowing I’m not alone in my struggles.
When I ran my own business, writing blogs and newsletters was the part I enjoyed most. I no longer run that business but my intention was to keep my passion for writing going.
I keep having ideas of pieces I want to write and a long list on my phone of unwritten work, ideas unfulfilled.
I find the work of others who have shared their struggles and experiences so helpful. I often think that if they hadn’t put their work out there into the world then I wouldn’t have got to benefit from it and that would have been really sad. Especially if the only reason they didn’t do it was because they were scared.
Why don’t I want to write?
Every time I sit down to write, a voice in my head says ‘oh my god, that’s crap’ and ‘you can’t do this’.
What’s the point of my writing and my Substack? What am I doing it for? Shouldn’t it have a purpose and an aim before starting?
I don’t think anyone wants to read about my life - who am I to write? It feels self-indulgent.
It’s easier to watch TV instead in my free time than write.
I’m a fraud who has nothing to say. Anything I do say has been said before (and better).
Everyone else on Substack has it all figured out, are ‘proper’ writers, know their audience, and can create interesting pieces for them.
I don’t have time to write! I have a toddler and a job, family and friends, a husband, and a house full of jobs and life admin (not to mention an impending house sale and relocation to be getting on with!)
People from my professional work life will be surprised if they ever saw my personal writing.
People from my personal life, friends of years ago, will think I am so weird for doing this.
Shouldn’t I just live a private life and get on with it on my own? Why do I need to share anything?
I’ll cringe at things I write. People who know me will cringe. My son will cringe. It’s just all cringe!
What if I run out of ideas and everyone leaves?
I’ve read books on creativity, I’ve nodded my way through Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, I've done workshops on writing, I subscribe to a Substack all about writing a Substack, and yet, the metaphorical pen just hasn’t been flowing.
And I’ve been here before. When I wrote about this before, I received some great comments from other writers who’ve experienced the same. So I need not feel bad about being here again.
As I come out of the fug of my maternity leave, and resume my salaried job, I wondered if a return to routine would help my hobby of writing too. But that was a month ago.
I’m trying to keep in mind lessons from others on ways to maintain a writing practice.
Set a day and time and commit to it every week - tell others in your home.
Write even with the inner critical voice (all writers have it) knowing that it will always be there.
Commit to a regularity of putting something out - Emma Gannon says it builds resilience to keep going. If you stop, it’s hard to restart. I can attest to this!
Emma also says to say to yourself ‘I’m going to sit down and write a short, terrible piece’ to ease any perfectionism pressure.
Write from somewhere else, not your home. Or create a cosy writing nook.
Write little and often, write on your phone if you have to.
Keep writing windows short, 15 minutes every day is sometimes better than an hour once a week.
Keep a file of nice things people say about your work (sometimes called a brag file) and read it back when you feel lost.
I remember that last week I had a reply to a comment I left on a piece by a fellow writer.
She said that something I wrote had inspired her to write her story down. It made me think that if I hadn’t written that particular piece of mine, she wouldn’t have read it, and maybe wouldn’t have had the courage to start her own Substack. I love her work, and what she has to say to the world, and it would be a poorer place if nobody gets to read her work.
So there is a cost to me not writing, to not following the inner tug I feel around it.
My creativity lies dormant and untapped.
I will remain frustrated and unfulfilled creatively (cringe).
I’ll remain jealous of others with their writing on here, whilst not doing anything about it myself.
Others won’t get to read my words and stories.
I won’t inspire anyone (more cringe).
The unknown possibilities from my writing will remain unknown.
I won’t get to have a pursuit that is just for me, not for my day job and not for being a mum, to remind me I’m worthy of having creative dreams.
My son won’t get to see me following my creative ambitions.
My ideas and thoughts about the world stay inside of me and won’t get shared.
In Big Magic terms, any ideas I have will find someone else to write them (IYKYK).
So I am here, once again. Starting somewhere, even if that’s an imperfect place, on an imperfect day, with not enough time, some possibly crap ideas, and cringing my way through it! I commit to seeing what happens.
Read more:
I didn't expect... the imposter gremlins to stop me writing for a month
I relate to so much you have written - I've been exploring my own battle between consistency, motivation and breaking away from creating 'perfect' habits. It's a work in progress. All we can do is keep trying.
Oh well this has given me the kick I didn't know I needed! Thank you for sharing so honestly. You're not alone in the fug. Like you, life writing is where my heart is and I speak ideas to myself all day every day, yet when I sit down to write I can't think of anything worthwhile to say. I very much like the idea of 15-minute bursts. Take the pressure off yourself and see what happens x