I didn’t expect… my feelings towards the dark, cold seasons to change

Trying to find an appreciation of winter

Hi, I’m Louise and I write stories from my life unexpected: a failed business, anxiety, infertility, and everything in between. Sharing can lift the shame so thank you so much for being here.

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Photo by Andrew Ridley on Unsplash

Last weekend I finally completed a snood I have been making. It’s made with big chunky black wool and is very cosy. I’m excited to wear said snood, but I’m not sure I am excited about winter itself. 

I haven’t always disliked the colder months. Autumn used to be my favourite season of the year. I even chose to get married in Autumn. Winter used to contain many of the year’s fun times with Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas, New Year, and my birthday. In recent years, my life experiences have put a different lens on these occasions and my previous seasonal preference for winter has shifted. 

Being a pet owner now, I dread Bonfire Night and New Year. My two cats hate the banging of fireworks and so we lock ourselves in, sit with them, and play classical music all night. (The classical music works a treat, by the way). 

Halloween and Christmas have become so noticeably all about children in my mind that, being on a long-term fertility journey, they put into stark spotlight that I (still) don’t have any. Halloween brings kids dressed up, houses decorated, and a showing of all the families in the neighbourhood. The Christmas events I used to enjoy seem like family-only zones now and I feel like an imposter at them. December also contains a date reminder of time passing on our fertility journey. It all makes me want to hibernate until the season is over and we’re out the other side.

And then there’s my birthday in January. I used to love a January birthday. When everyone was feeling sad that Christmas was over, I’d know I had another celebration to come. But these days, birthdays come with an element of grief. It’s another marker in the sand of time passing. 

The other reason I now prefer the warmer months over winter is due to a newfound enjoyment of my garden. Spring has become the season I love the most, with the promise of longer days spent outside, bulbs poking their green heads up with the expectation of colour to come, and seed sowing experiments. There is an air of transformation, new beginnings, and a coming back to life. It signals hope to me.

Despite knowing the reasons for my shift in perspective on the seasons, it doesn’t feel comfortable to bemoan winter and simply wish it away. I would like to embrace it more and get back to the aspects I used to like (or find new ones). I also want to acknowledge and surrender to the seasons. We can’t force nature to do what we want, Spring can’t come any quicker than nature decides.

And there definitely are things I appreciate about winter! I just need to remind myself of them. So here goes…

I love the feeling of being cosy, whether that is under my big woollen blanket on the sofa or snuggled up in chunky knitwear. I prefer winter clothes to summer clothes - give me a pair of lovely new boots over flimsy flip flops any day.

I find something very soothing about being indoors when it is raining outside. It’s one of my favourite things, in fact. (This sounds very contradictory, given what I just said about warmer months, but bear with me!). Even better if this is teamed with a nice rooibos and vanilla tea with a slice of cake and a good book, with the sound of rain pattering above me. I like this as much as I do spending a sunny day in the garden lying on a blanket with my book.

Apart from getting dark at 4pm (so rubbish!) I quite like indoor winter lighting. I dislike big bright lights and love candlelight and twinkly fairy lights. I feel like I can shut the world out and hunker down under the warm glow of a soft light. Until my husband comes in and whacks the ‘big’ light on, that is... No, thank you!

The darkness also brings with it more rest time. Nature rests over this season, so it follows that we should too. As much as the summer holidays are a chance to down tools, so is winter. The pace of life slows. It is a chance to indulge in activities that may fall by the wayside in the summer. I like to reinvigorate my restorative yoga practice, get my knitting needles out, and buy a new jigsaw puzzle.

More hours of darkness means (hopefully) more sleep. Not a given, but I do tend to sleep better in the winter. The darkness feels more conducive to sleep and the temperatures definitely are. I use my winter duvet, which is made of wool and envelopes you in its warmth (one of the best purchases I have made), and a hot water bottle on my feet. The mornings are kinder as well. We are not woken by the birds chirping the day in at 4am nor bright sun beaming in at 5am. This means I can usually sleep until 7am more or less.

I do miss the long hours of sunlight from the summer, but it’s important to still get outside during the darker months too. Winter walks can be beautiful, when the sun is shining and spotlighting ice on the trees and fields. Autumn leaves show off their yellow and red hues (one of the reasons I got married in the season). I love the feel of crisp fresh air filling your lungs and coming back in for a steaming cup of tea. In the summer months, going for a walk can lead to needing a shower afterwards and sitting in front of a fan to cool down - less comfortable!

In her brilliant book Wintering, Katherine May says of winter: ‘Winter is season that invites me to rest well and feel restored, when I am allowed to retreat and be quietly separate’. In the summer, I often feel like I need to ‘make the most’ of the weather, and be out and about doing things all the time. The winter gives us a chance, and an excuse if we need one, to stay put for a bit. I sometimes try to resist the energy of winter closing in and keep in the ‘doing’ mode of summer for as long as possible. But it eventually catches me and come December, I find this same feeling of retreat that Katherine talks of. As Katherine also says: ‘Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer’.

As we close out November and head shortly into December, I want to keep these thoughts in mind and close to me. It doesn’t erase any sadness that comes up at this time of year, but I do want to remain present and enjoy the season for what it can offer. I will still be looking out for the first shoots of snowdrops in early February to herald spring coming, but perhaps I can also get back to enjoying the riches of these colder months first, wrapped up as I will be in my new snood. 

How about you? What do you love about winter? Let’s build a list we can all use to make the most of this (sometimes) more bleak season.